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我忍不住，哭了。第一次那么放声的哭。我不再明白因果的存在。

一直以来，都认为，我很聪明，很明白事理，很能了解别人的心思。就一句，我能看穿。错了！最终还得认，我即使明白你，还是束手无策。我最爱的妹妹啊，你怎能叫我安心离开你的身边，到老远实现自己的梦想？短短的两个月，我离开你，以为，你能成长的更加棒，但是我如今轻松之即，看到的，是个。。。

有任何心理学家能给予我开导，让我能把光明再照耀着你那漫长的前途？

我真的尽力了。各种方法也试过了，从轻声细语的劝导，到冷漠的对待为表示失望，或严格声调作警告。你到底要如何的对待和尊重才能重显现我以前看得起的你？

看着天空，听雨，随风纠搀着，数着星星，只能祈祷你寻找引导成功。

你大了，听话，成熟吧！



无法伴你长大，
永远爱着你，
杰敏。

Its really the end

The end of the chapter is here as the last page in the book flipped into its end. Here we are, jobless people perhaps for this one whole month. Classmates are ex and so are schoolmates. I finally feel that everything in high school is completely over. Nothing's left but a piece of memory.

Frankly, i don't know how I should feel or what am i feeling now. Its just a mere complex feeling with a statement :"its over." This feeling reminds me of primary school graduation aftermath. I just don't feel anything. Neither sad nor happy. Just glad, I've grown. Just glad, I'm a step closer to my ambition. Just sad, I am leaving. Just sad, my friends might consider me memory lost. This counts for a neutral. positive positive plus negative negative = neutral.

I am walking a safer route. I did not choose the road less taken. I dare not explore. I recount and recount all the risks and consider every failing and success possibility. Guess this is what that leads me to the dull person I am today. I guess i enjoy being who I am for the moment. The least, for consolation. Smiles~

Prom night was great. But perhaps I wasn't made for this. I was bored. Haha. That 4 hours seemed so loooooooong. Luckily Juo was there. Thanks, my beloved prom date^^. Still, the prom was a success. Its such a big glamorous event, I doubt I will be able to forget it in a hurry.

______________________________________________________________

My 4th BAKPM. I wished it turned out slightly better. Hong Jin, you'll know what I meant. Plus, the rain its quite a nuisance. The toilet too.== The first rainfall was enjoyable. I felt free. So close to nature. Everything so green and fresh. I wanted to run in the rain, cry laugh and do everything crazy, unleashing all troubles and allow childish act feel in. One thing about childhood. You just be what you want to be. Its so different now. I tried being what I want. Guess it didn't work. I will turn out a whole lot irresponsible and childish if i did. You won't want to be a girl that laughs and cries every minute when she feels like it. Insanity!

Being in the rain is special. Definitely not a thing you can do often.



~Home sweet home~

Numb. Surprised?

You'D think its finally ended and you can finally shout MERDEKA, BUT

this is only ze beginning...


Anyway, for the 1st time in my life! I went karaoke. Suddenly feel like rusa masuk kampung. Everything seemed so strange. Midvalley itself also like a stranger. Proudly announce, this is my 4th visit and if u plus up all the 4 visits, its only about 10 hours.

I see so many form 5 chs-ian during my 10 minutes walk in mv b4 entering gardens. MV REALLY is chs-ian best choice to WALK. Kids these days no longer say :"Ah Meng, jom we go river swimming/ or Ahmad, we go cycling to Siva's house."

Nevermind. Main point is :"YUAN LAI REDBOX LIKE THAT DE!" Goodness! I can even get myself lost in REDBOX itself. Yeah, call me noob, i agree. Anyway, i had fun. At least i can sing without knowing how much i "run sound". XD... most importantly, just like in camps, i was able to scream out a song, knowing no one will be there to comment. HAHAHA.

After today, after prom, i have no idea how much is the possibility to see you guys, i have no idea, how far we will stay apart, how far i will be away, anyhow, don't forget me, ok?

Drink water think water =)

For once, I am making a simple decision. IGNORE all other better choices, grab the one nearest, though not the best, at least it save my effort. Great! After a MONTH of SPM, i learnt how to be LAZY...

There are so much I have to catch up. Yet so much I missed, but what I miss most is her.
She that made me wanting to give up, wanting to leave this distressful moment. She who brought me sleepless nights, pangs of headaches, tearing my inner strength and esteem at each of her thorny words. Yet, i still miss her. I sound so dumb! She who gave me no pardon no forgiveness at every mistakes i made. She who gave me no relieve no rest no break no warmth. It makes me wonder. What's at her core that made me dream of her nights before i open the 1st page of exam papers. i don't understand.

I don't want to understand. fighting back against myself. wanting to approach yet wanting to leave. i guess the best memory stored will triumph over bad ones. n not wanting to refresh with the worse, i am satisfied with now, not wanting more. it may be an excuse, it may be for escapism. Whatever it is, i'll leave you, out of love. At heart's core, i still belong to you.

Perhaps, this escapism, cause i want more. if u call it out of greed, i agree. Life's meaningless when you lose sight of a realistic future. i am short, yet i compensate my height with heels, with hills, with long necks and far sighted telescope. i see far, i shoot far and as someone once told me :"i come, i see, i conquer". this stand is the past. it'll bring meaning to the future generations. but i m old. my body had acquired enough antibody to fight this past antigen which i had found too strong to conquer before. yet now, i got nothing to aim and attain. i have to move on. i cannot picture my role with her. yes, i am leaving. i'll have to get another her to success. but these stepping stones, each size, shapes and colour, i will remember clearly, n one day, i'll bring my grandchildren and tell them, this is what i used to play with that helped me grow up. 饮水思源。 i'll be there. whenever i can.


_______________________________________________________________

jeeesh! not my point. back to my laziness... i can only cure with discipline. n where discipline come from? Stress and pressure. so STOP CALLING ME STUPID. at least, i m using my brains, to find the antidote to laziness. and yeah, what to catch up? Lots. I am lagging behind. SPM made me stupid. Goodness! its like relearning the whole form 4 n form 5 again and the most of this learnt are going to be thrown back into the text book after SPM. 1% of this knowledge shall be brought forth while the rest, sigh, 99% into a piece of cert. So called efficiency. Try calculating, so much paper (ur books, the exams papers?!) in change for a piece of cert??!! Gahhh, this is NOT learning. How i wished i studied smart, not hard. At least by studying smart, i won't forget things in a hurry.

# I FORGOT HOW TO PLAY BADMINTON. SO MISERABLE.

What am I missing out?

Cinderella girl

A typical one.
The eyes' staring, as though it is,
Ay, a typical one alright.

But have you heard of a Cinderella rejecting the Prince?
Nay, this one just did.
She's the half typical one.

But have you heard of a Cinderella ignoring the chimes,
Ignoring her poor appearance to be?
Nope, she tisn't the typical one after all.

Have you seen a ragged girl in a ball?
Nope, but have you wonder,
who would likely be eye-catching?
Yup, the "unique" will catch everyone's 1st eye.
Once caught, its your inner beauty that hold.
The one that hides underneath.

Don't conform, don't adhere, don't bother.
Life's special if you see it differently,
with determination.

"Ignoring" is bliss after all.


When I am there, you'll see...

If you ask me again :"I'll say, YES, I DO!"

I LOVE SHAKESPEARE!!!

Fanatic of him after LIE. can't believe... but mind u, this doesnt mean i approve on gays...

Yay! I am BACK!!!

3 more papers to go... 1 down tomoro..oh...oh...

will i start thinking like juo, start missing SPM after all?

lets wait till then.

DAY AND NIGHT

I want to listen to songs DAY AND NIGHT.
I want to watch TV DAY AND NIGHT.
I want to play BADMINTON DAY AND NIGHT.
I want to sleep DAY AND NIGHT.
I want to read stories DAY AND NIGHT.
I want to talk DAY AND NIGHT.
I want to eat DAY AND NIGHT.
I want to dream DAY AND NIGHT.
I want to stay lazy DAY AND NIGHT.

But life is not only about DAY AND NIGHT.
So nothing above is relevant.
Forget it!

The above is for my case.
For you, it will be (be with your friends, sing karaoke, shopping, sports, etc.)

Ponder

You walk past,
missed a point,
retake a glance
and sigh.

You crank your neck,
stretch forward,
ensuring history doesn't repeat
but still sigh.

You want to walk blindly,
just enjoying along,
you fall.

You start to fear,
look out thoroughly,
there were nothing but illusion.

Simple things made complicated.
Complex taken lightly.
What is going wrong?!

You scream up,
Your voice only drained.
The answer was,
Its your challenge, you find out.

You shout to the side,
Your voice echoed,
The answer was,
Sorry, neither do I.

Restless, drained, fatigue,
You speak to the below,
The carpet absorbed the voice,
And all you hear is laughter with no answer.
A different world,
He said.
Your misery is stupid.

You are still the consumer of your woes.

There is this fork road.
One leading to the shore, another to the thick amazon.
What should there be?
Challenge or luxury?

Deeply I know, whatever road taken,
It shall only be regretted.
As human seldom realised,
The grass is always greener at the other side.

People say prepare the umbrella before it rains.
How true is that?
When you neglect what is in front.
What if you took the whole trouble,
Paying the debt for an umbrella,
But the rain just doesn't fall?

Ever wonder?

A+

So much for the A+... And one thing I am surprised. Not many show much concern on this change. One last minute (one-month-before) change just as if a SPM has no value and is available for any simple (hey thats a good idea!) magic wand wave and then adding some unnecessary burden or pressure for the victims. Bibidi babidi BOOO!

Great! Now I really lost a focus on what I should aim for. Nothing seems possible for the moment. SPM is what all form 4 and form 5 are working towards to as it maybe be the determinant of many tertiary education. After working so hard chasing after A1, NOW GOT... Is like A1 is not good enough, yet A+ sounds way crazy to aim for.

Ah well, as what Clement Stone quotes, 'Aim for the moon, even if you miss, you will land among the stars'. MOON, HERE I COME! XP

An answer to "BAO"'s sms

STUDY LULLABY

Tune: Lullaby
Lyrics by Jmin
Dedicated to: Law Yin Lyn

Law Yin Lyn, go study,
Put yourself in ultimate fiery,
To focus, do locus,
Oops, maths exam's way over.

Go study, chemistry,
How interesting it should be,
Sadly,
our MOE,
Had to make is so drowsy.

Don't worry,
Stay happy,
Sit up straight and keep healthy.
Study smart,
Not study hard,
Take a shower if yawning.

Law Yin Lyn, go study,
Put yourself in ultimate fiery,
To focus, do locus,
Oops, maths exam's way over.

(Aiya, lazy to think of last stanza, so just copy n paste.)



Found your study mood?

Solitude is the stronghold of the strong-Raoul Plus-

As the rain showers upon my back
Droplets that fall on my lap
Wasn't just pure rain drops
The realisation poured in
I was in the middle of nowhere, alone.

It is only when you stand up on your own
Independent and strong
Uninfluenced and persistent
Tough and unbeaten
Only would you bear worries of your own
None others

That should be the way things are
The strong stand, the weak wither! Perish!
Heart cries out all
Sorrow flushed as I turned of the tap of the shower
faded with echo

As you find the worst pain forbidden to be spoken, there will always be one who you can safely tell and one who will always be willing to listen:-

YOURSELF
:
:
:
:
i am the self consumer of my own woes
are you?

Idle idle idle *shakes head*

Stretching my arms wide. The streams of ray beams pierce through the in-between of the blind. I know the residence of this longitude part of the world are continuing their hustle and bustle but i just feel - lazy. This is the 2nd time in two consecutive days that this situation happens and a very familiar dejavu indeed.

Letting go a deep sigh, still reluctant to get up, that shout was indeed the obligatory warning call for me. Yes. Its the morning-going-to-be-angry tone from my mom. I wasn't left with much choice, was I? Yeap! I leapt out of bed and rush to the washroom before I got caught cuddling under the warm quilt. Its 11.00am.

It has been an idling start for the one week raya hols.

May the working momentum commence!

Road not taken

If I ever get the chance, to take the road not taken.
If I ever get the chance, to even take a glance.
If I ever get the chance, to redo my flaws.
If I ever get the chance, to re-discipline, re-manage myself.

I will want everything to iron out nicer and better.
Give the input targeted.
Passion, enthusiasm, effort discipline and power.
If I ever get the chance that is what I want.

BUT!
If I ever get the chance,
I will still choose the road taken.

My castles on air are under construction. Wish me luck.


At the mean time, I have found joy in the bookshop. NOT the library, but the bookshop. And since I love it and enjoy it immensely, I will know where to spend my free time =). SERIOUSLY, its really a very beautiful aired atmosphere. Right temperature, right mood and everything so perfect. If only there's Kinokuniya 2km away from my house. I will know the way to heaven.

Random thing number 4:
I finally succeed in refraining from blogging.
But i failed to do the more important one. Sigh.

Random thing number 5:
What's with the whole world crazy about online games, social networks, and WORST! social network and online games 2 in 1! You click around to have fun? I don't blame them. Its the tide. And as the tide rushes its way out, I am a little dragged in too.

Alert: always keep your privacy in the internet/web/cyberspace... You never know whose at the end of the computer linked to yours. Never know whose behind that username. (THATS WHAT MY DAD'S BEING SAYING. Am i not obedient?)

白天的黑暗

怀念着共饮的黑色光阴。
切莫怪。是不容怀念的。
快到末尽头。任那一丝同处，
摆布未来缘续、尽。
不含辛酸、不带走感、情。
回忆镶进过去。
是不容怀念的。

给谁？
给你，但心想着是你。